After heroically pulling out of the Paris Climate Change Accord to safeguard American jobs, US President, visionary and Commander-in-Chief of the First World Donald Trump has declared that the world is flat after all.
For centuries, we have labored under the false impression that the Earth is kind of globe-shaped. But now, with the searing intellect that has become his stock in trade, President Trump has revealed that it’s all an elaborate hoax.
“When I look at a map, it’s flat, that’s just science,” he said. “Look at my phone right now, it’s a flat map. And how could I go to the ends of the Earth to defend American interests if there are no ends? Zingo!”
“When I went to Australia for my high-powered business meetings where I was always the best, richest ad handsomest man in the room, nobody was upside down. I think that’s pretty conclusive.”
This globe-shit is Germany’s fault
Trump laid the blame for the round Earth hoax squarely at Germany’s door. “Those Germans are bad,” he said. “They’ve put American map makers out of business with these over engineered round globes that are somehow ‘better’. Well I’m going to change this.”
Not satisfied with his newly-declared flat Earth, Trump has set his sights on changing the existing flat map, too. “If you look right now, Germany and Europe are the center of the world and that just isn’t good enough. I am here to represent Pittsburgh, not Freiburg, and I’m determined to make America the center of the world once again.The world is laughing at us, but they won’t laugh at America anymore.”
Press officer: suicide is the simplest way out
When contacted for comment, the White House Press Office said: “What the fuck has he said now? Wait, it really doesn’t matter anymore.”
Then there was the muffled sound of a gunshot, and the line went quiet…