A lot of men that are looking to find their balls and get their life back on track have run into the living nightmare that is narcissistic abuse at the hands of a Cluster B woman.
Some of you spend hours online playing amateur psychiatrist, trying to figure out what this monster really is. She might have Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) or Histrionic Personality Disorder (APD). She might be a psychopath, which is known in polite modern circles as Antisocial Personality Disorder.
You might even have the worst full house you’ll ever run into: the legendary dark triad woman.
Whatever she is, or was, she has lied to you, tied you up in knots, probably cheated and rocked your faith in humanity. She was willfully cruel, she attacked your self-esteem and she turned you into a bumbling puppy dog that couldn’t get a single thing right.
You need answers, I get it…
So now you’re scouring the web for answers, trying to figure out just what the hell was lying next to you in bed. I know, I’ve been there.
But there’s a simple, harsh truth that you really need to understand and accept. As soon you really absorb this fact, then it will be easier to move on. You don’t just accept it intellectually, you need to really understand it.
It doesn’t matter what she is. She’s toxic and your life is better without her.
You’re asking the wrong question
You also need to know you’re asking the wrong question. Most people turn into internet detectives after the narcissistic discard. At best, you’ll start to look for answers during the devaluation stage. At the start, the honeymoon period, nothing’s wrong. So you won’t spot the red flags that you’re dating a crazy bitch.
They’re there, but when you get involved with a Cluster B woman then you just won’t see them. If you do, she’ll run the other way and you just won’t get to this point.
So if you’re obsessing over this, especially in the aftermath of a failed relationship, and trying to run her actions through a bogus narcissistic personality disorder test, then the question you’re really asking is:
Why wasn’t I good enough for her?
That’s what’s frying your brain right now. You did everything you could, you gave her everything she asked for and more. You put your own needs second and overlooked an awful lot of shit to keep her happy.
It still wasn’t enough. So, what more could you do?
Well there are a few things, mainly addressing the co-dependent traits that kept you in such a toxic relationship, but we’ll get to that shortly.
The main point you’re going to get, hopefully sooner rather than later, is that she wasn’t good enough for you.
You kept playing the games because you thought you could get back to that magical first few weeks, months or even years. You thought there was a puzzle to solve.
There never was. That’s the illusion.
Eventually you’re going to see that the games are all she really had. Take away the manipulation, the cruelty, the moodswings, the narcissistic gaslighting, the silent treatments and the constant fighting and there’s just nothing there.
The narcissistic personality disorder symptoms, or Borderline Personality Disorder traits, are really all she brings to the party.
Everything good that you ‘shared’ came from you. As soon as she stopped feeding off your energy and started feeding on your energy, the relationship ceased to exist.
At that point you’ll start to look down on her as the emotionally retarded fuck up that she is. You’ll even feel some genuine sympathy for her.
That’s the magic moment when her power evaporates and you are really free. It will come.
I actually searched for how to take revenge on a narcissist and then went one step further. I figured out how to punish a narcissist and then put a heinous plan into action. It really wasn’t worth it and it just held me back.
The end of a cluster b relationship was inevitable
The honeymoon period WAS the lie. That’s not who she is. She was a child playing grown up.She was giving you what you wanted to see and hear and she simply couldn’t keep that act up forever.
That’s another critical point for anybody lost in an illusion of a wonderful girl who turned nasty. She wasn’t. She was a horrible bitch who hid it for a while.
You didn’t do anything wrong, she didn’t suddenly flip because of a mistake you made. That path was pre-ordained due to her pathological envy and hatred. It was always going to happen.
Forums can be unhealthy
But you’re still going to keep looking for answers. I did. So I’d like to give you some of the best resources I found. I would also like to give you some advice: stay off the forums.
The problem with them is that a lot of victims of narcissistic abuse end up wallowing in each other’s misery and recounting the details like they mean something.
They really don’t. You need no bullshit clarity right now, not a load of wounded souls clinging to each other and trying not to drown. You also don’t need the still broken folks doing their own therapy on Youtube. They haven’t figured it out yet and they won’t help you.
So here are some awesome people, who have really got this stuff down. Watch their videos and read their stuff. It will help you cut through a thousand hours of internet drivel.
Great resources to recover from narcissistic abuse
Richard is a psychologist who suffered narcissistic abuse and finally put together one of the best selection of videos on the web.
There’s a lot of tough love, swearing and he’ll kick your ass a little and give you a proper shake. But you need that right now.
His Youtube channel is brilliant and goes well beyond his internet famous course: How to take revenge on a narcissist. Spoiler alert: his answer is to live well and leave them far behind.
Dr T is a total legend and breaks down emotionally abusive women. She doesn’t pull punches and it’s refreshing to hear a woman talk so openly about what such awful human beings women can really be when their wiring is all screwed up.
She talks about narcissistic personality disorder and the DSM5, but her best work comes with borderlines and how to cope with their madness.
There are doubts about her credentials floating round the web and a lot of pissed off women who don’t like ‘one of their own’ pointing out what goes on. But fuck them, Palmatier is what you need when you’re coming out of this bullshit and she’ll help you get to grips with the crazy that was in your bed.
She does a lot of videos with Paul Elam, of A Voice For Men, and they’re well worth a watch.
Scott looks about 12 in his first Youtube videos, but he’s got some real insights into the way Cluster B’s work. He focuses purely on narcissists, but most of the bad behavior lies on that side of the spectrum and he’ll really give you some insights into the way their mind functions.
He grew up in a narcissistic household, like I did, and his videos will really give you a short and sharp education. He’ll also tell you what I am telling you now, that it’s up to you to strengthen your boundaries so that narcissists just move on and leave you alone.
The mental health community isn’t all on Shari’s side, but it doesn’t matter. In a series of articles that focus mainly on Borderline Personality Disorder and the chaos it brings, she will really lay bare the atrocities going on in a BPD’s mind.
She will also point out your co-dependent traits and it’s something you really need to face up to if you want to get past this.
Quinn built his entire channel out of a bad experience with a narcissist and he doesn’t have the same wealth of experience as some on this list, but he’s come out with some pretty profound observations about narcissistic abuse in his videos that can give you a breakthrough.
The things he says will strike a chord and he will make you think differently about certain aspects of your relationship with a girl you need to forget.
Sam Vaknin is arguably the most famous self-confessed narcissist you’ll find. So he comes at it from a different angle and can give you some valuable insights, although he can be a bit dry and pompous.
Inevitably, though, you’ll learn things from listening to him. Interestingly, even he admits that you simply have to abandon the narcissist. He’ll tell you they have nothing to give, they only take and you have to cut them out your life.
What you need to know.
She selected you because of your kindness, your understanding and your rationality. She needed you to have these things, because she doesn’t. But somewhere along the line her programming kicked in and she looked at every one of your virtues and decided that, for some unspecified ‘wrong’ you did to her, she had to strip them away one by one and punish you.
She’s not punishing you. She’s hurting mummy or daddy, it really is that simple. You’re just an actor in a film on repeat.
Trying to psychoanalyze her is keeping you enmeshed in this whole, crazymaking dance. And the really depressing thing is that there isn’t a simple answer.
Cluster B symptoms generally overlap
Unless they are full on dark triad or a full-blown psychopath, in which case nobody could stand a chance and you should give yourself credit for getting away with your life, then a Cluster B woman is rarely one disorder.
A Cluster B personality disorder consists of:
- Narcissistic Personality Disorder
- Borderline Personality Disorder
- Histrionic Personality Disorder
- Antisocial Personality Disorder
So, you think if you nail down exactly which disorder it is then you’ll be able to sleep soundly at night. But it’s a fool’s mission, you’re kidding yourself, because most personality disorders are an overlap. They’re two or more of those disorders and the ratio can change depending on their mood.
Trying to nail down a Cluster B’s condition is like trying to nail jello to the wall. There will always be that one time that doesn’t fit the pattern and it can send you slowly nuts.
She was toxic: the end
Don’t let it get to you like that. Just realise that, for whatever reason, she wanted to do you harm. She was toxic, she was broken and she deserves no more of your time.
The rest of it will slot in naturally if you focus on it or not. So do yourself a massive favor and get on with your life. You really don’t need to spend every night thinking about this. In the goodness of time you’ll see them for what they are, a failure, and you’ll start the long process of tackling your co-dependent traits and moving forward as a wiser stronger person.
If you do this, rest assured, this will never happen to you again. And if you keep ending up with the wrong kind of girl then you have to draw a line under this now. Get some therapy and figure out just what childhood issue is driving you into the arms of the wrong women.
There’s no shame in it and now you don’t even need to go looking for a local therapist.
You can get help online through Betterhelp.com and it’s an easy, confidential way to speak to someone right now and help you get to the bottom of all this. So with all these resources and access to the right people to speak to, I hope I’ve saved you months of your life with this one piece.
Good luck, you’ll get there in the end.
And if you think this post has helped, please feel free to show your appreciation and buy me a beer with Paypal!